JSLALALAND

THE HEALING FREQUENCY

The Funny LA Wellness Guide

LA wellness stopped being about skincare a long time ago: it's faith, it's social life, and it's class. Highlights from 45 stops, from Erewhon's $26 smoothie and Pilates harder to get into than a green card, to a K-Town jjimjilbang that's been open thirty years. You'll laugh, and you'll know where your money should go.

Translated from Jasmine’s original Chinese. The illustrated slides are on the interactive reader.

Key points

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  1. 01 | Erewhon: the $26 'I deserve this'

    A $26 smoothie, a $19 strawberry, and a complimentary 'I deserve this' aura. The tonic bar line is longer than the DMV's; the difference is you're happy to wait. The parking lot is LA's most effective dating app.

  2. 02 | The faith of food

    Moon Juice turned life into powders, with a jar for every kind of lack; 'seasonal' at Botanica means the dish you wanted isn't on, and that's exactly the point.

  3. 03 | Sunday church

    The Hollywood Farmers Market is LA's Sunday church: buying vegetables is secondary; being seen buying them is the point.

  4. 04 | Talking business in an ice tub

    Remedy Place calls itself the world's first social wellness club. Life's hard enough already, so pay $50 to freeze for three minutes: that's called building resilience.

  5. 05 | Membership requires an interview

    HUME opened in Snap's old HQ: it used to make AR filters; now it makes inner glow. Membership vets whether you 'embody community values.'

  6. 06 | You never have to leave

    Heimat is 75,000 square feet, with a rooftop pool, chef-driven restaurants and coworking; in theory you never have to leave.

  7. 07 | The Pilates class system: harder to get than a green card, with a principal's office

    Forma started in the founder's mom's pool house and is now referral-only, harder to get into than a green card; Pvolve has Jennifer Aniston's stamp, but show up five minutes late and you're not getting in.

  8. 08 | Shaking in the dark, being sous-vided

    Solidcore has you shaking in the dark; The Heated Room does hot Pilates at 100°F, with a sound system fussier than a nightclub's. You're being slow-cooked, but at least the bass is premium.

  9. 09 | Strength training inside a beauty device

    BURN's group classes under LED red light and infrared: finish class, and you basically just had a facial. Pickleball is so last season; Ballers brought padel into the old Macy's in DTLA.

  10. 10 | You, a Tesla

    Next Health will swap your plasma for $10,000, officially likened to 'an oil change for your body.' Dripology is the Uber Eats of IV drips: a nurse comes to you for $150.

  11. 11 | No tipping, no small talk

    Pause Studio bundles red light and hot-cold treatments; Aescape's robot massage has moved in: a 3D scan plus robotic arms, no tipping, no small talk.

  12. 12 | Nothing's wrong with you, you're just puffy

    Article one of LA's official worldview. Miss Lymph turned lymphatic drainage into a personal brand: her own method, her own podcast, and a six-session pre-wedding de-puffing package for brides.

  13. 13 | Your lymph isn't getting a massage, it's under construction

    Margo Muse: two hours of hands-on work, wood therapy, vacuum, radio frequency and ultrasound, one after another. Formula Fig: a 30-minute facial plus a vitamin shot, back to your meeting, and your coworkers think you've fallen in love.

  14. 14 | The name people whisper

    In LA, Shani Darden's name is said in a whisper: 'Your skin… did you go see Shani?' The address isn't public, and that's the point.

  15. 15 | Clean, times three

    Article one of The Detox Market's clean-beauty creed: add 'clean' and triple the price.

  16. 16 | Chinese medicine gets its own category: 'That's called gua sha'

    The Tox sounds like Botox but it's about detox, and the tools include a tox gua sha stone. Grandma: 'That's called gua sha.' Us: 'We know.'

  17. 17 | Grandma's ear seeds, gold-plated and on the market

    Vie Healing's 24K gold ear seeds are sold at Neiman Marcus. Den Mother is a Californian blend of cupping and herbal baths.

  18. 18 | One-stop acupuncture in Culver City

    Felice is Hong Kong-born with a neuroscience background: acupuncture, herbs, cupping and gua sha in one place, and even a monthly contrast-therapy membership.

  19. 19 | 38 generations of Chinese medicine

    Tao of Wellness is 38 generations of the Ni family's Chinese medicine; the founder practiced in Taiwan for 28 years before coming to LA. 'Our family's four generations look like a startup next to them.'

  20. 20 | Why a sound bath costs what it does

    The Sound Healing Studio is a crystal-bowl specialist with healer training and LA's only gong room. One bowl costs four figures in US dollars, so the price makes sense.

  21. 21 | There's valet outside the meditation studio

    There's valet parking outside Open's meditation studio. No need to add anything; that's just LA. It's also run a breathwork class with Erewhon.

  22. 22 | You can get certified in enlightenment

    The Mindry is a luxury meditation center in Malibu, with a gift shop and certification courses. But it was built for the community after the Woolsey Fire, and that's no joke.

  23. 23 | Scream circles and Lego for grown-ups

    The Class started the scream circle: one song, one movement on repeat, until emotions loosen and the whole room yells together. House of Intuition's crystals are Lego for grown-ups: go in for one, come out carrying seven.

  24. 24 | LA's priciest vacation is taking vows

    Surya Spa is goop's pick for authentic Panchakarma: four hours a day, seven days straight, on an ascetic menu.

  25. 25 | The original social wellness club is in K-Town

    Wi Spa has been open thirty years and never hired a branding agency; at Olympic Spa, the ajumma scrubs off your trauma along with your dead skin, $30–50, and nobody vets your community values.

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An original JSLALALAND field guide by Jasmine Chang (@jslalaland).